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  1. In defense of my teacher and the master class situation, it really wasn't catty or competitive. I did that to myself and the teacher told me not to compare myself to others. Today I had a talk with him. I canceled my next lesson because I haven't had time to practice the etudes and I didn't want to get torn apart again, He said my problem is that I didn't stick with his program of scales and etudes long enough to master enough technique to play pieces well. He says I'm too chaotic and impatient in my approach which is partly true. Its hard to hear at this point in my life that I don't have the technique to play relatively simple pieces but I understand what he is saying. He says I am a much better violinist than when I started with him but I have a hard time realizing it because he is a very disciplined person and his standards are very high. I guess maybe my listening has improved and I hear things I didn't notice before. I think studying with him is making me a better teacher but I am trying to be careful not to be so picky that I discourage my young sudents. I think I may try it a while longer but won't be to anxious to perform for a master class again, Actually the times I enjoy my music the most have been in popular setting, playing strolling violin,weddings and chamber music just for fun. Maybe I just don't emjoy the stress of perfecting classical music as much as I wanted to. I'm still not ready to let go of the dream that I can be better than I am. Working with my students today and playing trios with my sons helped me to feel better.
  2. thank you for all your kind and generous responses. I don't think I could really quit everything even though I feel like it. The orchestra season is almost over and I do enjoy the "it doesn't have to be perfect" aspect of playing summer weddidngs. I do think I need a break from the lessons. I don't have time to practice orchestra music( i'm a principal so i feel a resposnsibility to be very well prepared) and the lesson repertoire. The piece I messed up on was a Brahms Hungarian Dance arranged by Kreisler with a lot of thirds in it. I've never been good at double stops expecially thirds. I had to play after an hours commute and listening to two hours of other students playing. I was last and played right after teachers favorite pupil playing on teachers favorite violin makers violin played vocalize beautifully and was highly praised by him for her beautiful concept of sound. In my career I have been very confident and played concertos with orchestras and string quartet and solo recitals, but lately i seem to be getting less and less confident. I can't quiet the voice in my head that compares me to all the people that I think play better even though I know that's a bad trap to fall into. Maybe I should take a seasons leave from the orchestras and lessons and be my own teacher for a year and try it again. I'm just afraid if I leave the principal positions and take a year off I won't be able to get back in or someone better will take my place and I won't be wanted when I come back. Maybe I'm approaching menopause and it's causing depression/ I don't know what to do. I think I'll go out for a long bike ride.
  3. i feel like quitting. i've been playing the violin for nearly 40 years and instead of getting better i'm loosing all confidence. i've been studying with a teacher for the past year and a half to try to improve and all it's done for me is show me how inadequate i am. tonight i performed miserably at a master class in front of my own student and 3 of my collegeaus as well as many younger students and their parents. i feel so humiliated that i'm thinking about quitting. in orchestra i can't concentrate any more. i make careless mistakes and freeze when i have to find a high note. it's 1:00 AM and i can't sleep.my teacher also doesn't like my violin, a modern instrument (10 years old now). he says its too harsh. i think i just don't have what it takes to get any better and i'm just throwing my money away on the lessons./ my house is a mess and i'm never home for dinner anymore because of rehearsals. i feel like throwing in the towel/ maybe i just don't have what it takes to be a good violinist and i can't stand to be mediocre. of course i'm just venting here anonymously because i can't sleep. any thoughts on my predicament would be appreciated though. thanks.
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